Recent Posts

Thursday, 23 December 2010

Ads Nauseum.

Yes...this is the season to be jolly and with Xmas literally around the corner, even more reason to bombard all television viewers with designer perfume ad campaigns, old and new, in the vain hope that they will incite us to buy their product. Now there are 4 ads on rotation at the moment that I am convinced were made to piss me off on a daily basis . Most perfume ads are colourful,sexy and rich in content but with hits(too many to mention) there are also misses and these are the ones I believe have missed the point completely... I only hope I do these mini cinematic works of genius credit in describing them to you.
Picture this,James Franco all dark and mysterious uttering these remarkable words:"You're running with me..."?! Camera swings to various scenes of him looking a little uncomfortable next to some bizarre furniture while "Slave to love" is playing in the background. Suddenly it all comes to a head when you hear:..."the world is changing"to which James the Bard Franco responds: "...I am still the same..." Deep voice over for the sales clincher: "Gucci by Gucci... " What in the blue blazes was that all about? I was more inclined to call a doctor than buy the product,simply because James was looking a little green around the gills and seemed to need medical attention more than a  spritz of Gucci by Gucci.
This following one stars has-been cutie/lothario: Jude Law and his receding hair line (which is looking decidedly lush for the camera.) Music soars, a woman is heard exclaiming with her French accented English : "But 'ow will I recognize you?" Cut to simultaneous images of Jude primping himself for the RDV,images of the Eiffel Tower and to the woman wearing a ridiculously large hat .Our lad Jude responds with these following words that lack both passion and conviction: "Ahhh, don' yew worry abou' tha'..."
What a charmer, I can't stand it! Camera pans to him walking up behind the woman wearing the large hat which is either shielding her eyes from the sun or from direct contact with Jude the Lewd. The music rises as she is about to see him for the first time, he turns to look at her and what do we see...  a squinting Jude Law who seems to be suffering from either a mild stroke or a  nasty sty . Booming voice "Dior Homme "... There is nothing Dior about this ad,it may as well be for eye drops or haemorrhoid cream the result is the same:dull, lacklustre and extremely farcical. The only thing this incites me to do is get my eyes checked and seek out some elocution lessons.
Moving on :this is a double whammy starring the dynamic duo: David and Victoria Beckham for their his and her perfumes "Intimately Yours". Now you can tell this ad is aging badly and the acting is as wooden as my clogs.David, sporting a rather fetching tux, walks into an elevator and looks decidedly alluring. Victoria, trying to emote coy and sexy, spies him and joins him for a bit of slap and tickle. Her extremely shellacked hair is pulled back so tightly across her skull that she unfortunately looks like a startled grasshopper.There are flashing images back and forth of him..her...their lips..her hand flexing as though in rapturous ecstasy that is so utterly unconvincing that it can be easily mistaken for her trying to control her menstrual cramps.Thankfully the elevator door glides open, David looks convincingly caught in the act and poor old Victoria,trying to look like the cat who got the cream,comes off as the cat trying to control a mild bout of wind. Enough said.
The most painful ad in my eyes is for Pantene Pro V  the"New Aqua Light" shampoo. Every time this comes on I scramble for the remote and the mute button ... this sets my teeth on edge. The gorgeously cute and peppy Cat Deeley fills our screens with her straight blond hair... It glistens and shines as she shakes and fans it around over and over again. This is followed by professional hair model with equally gorgeous hair shaking her head left and right, fanning and faffing around while the product is explained.This is all fine and you think it is over until a  giddily giggly Cat reappears and you think "Hello? What has she forgotten?" And the next thing you see is Cat hopping up and down like a child who needs to pee while repeating ad nauseum:"SWISH!...Swishhhhh....swish,swish,swish!Hey you! Upload your swish to make a swish.com! Everyone is doing it!"... Giggle,giggle,giggle.
I just want to throw her over my balcony to see if her hair will swish on her way down.

Baah "Xmas ad" Humbug !
And Merry Xmas to you all.

Thursday, 16 December 2010

Till Death Do Us....Party !

This has been an eventful week when it comes to celebrity breakups...must be the run up to Christmas and/or end of the year.
First announcement was the breakup of the 3 year...(3 years... only?!) marriage between Elizabeth Hurley and Arun Nayar, with the headlines claiming "She cheated! "
Well, as if that would make it all more plausible or credible.Why? Is poor Arun so hapless that one needs to applaud Elizabeth's prowess in pulling off the end of their marriage which such aplomb? Apparently their marriage has been over for a while now and that although "these are sad times" she seems to be  healing herself by getting her freak on with Australian cricketer and "Mask" lookalike Shane Warne. As luck would have it...he too claims that his marriage is over which conveniently exonerates the dalliance that has created the outcry. 
 Shane Warne is nothing but a bit of rough to reawaken a slumbering libido...she needed it and I congratulate her. Come on, whatever the reasons for the end of their marriage are and that is their business, just looking at things from here Arun looks like a snooze fest on a Sunday afternoon after roast beef and Yorkshire pud... That Bolly has left the woods and this will be great for both her ego and her image. Come New Years he'll be texting somebody else's wife and making a mess of things while Liz will safety pin herself into another tight gown,boobs a blazing while on the arm of a young lothario half her age...mark my word. You have been Warne-d....
Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johanssen have also called it quits after only 2 years of marriage,citing work commitments as the culprits.This is a great shame as they made such a gorgeous couple and one truly applauded that union.Now I fear people are also applauding its dissolution by the bucket loads: woman all over the world must be forming a queue for Ryan's heart while singing  Etta James' "At last": my love has come along..." Not that the men out there are getting a raw deal either! Two hotties released in one go...Christmas has come early.   
The breakup statement made was:"We end our relationship with love and it's with love and kindness we leave it." Don't let the door bump you on the way out...is more likely what he/she wanted to say...
For the third and final breakup,the perennial young lovers Zac Effron and Vanessa Hudgens have parted ways, having reached their relationship sell by date. The press release indicates that:"It's nothing dramatic.There's no third party involved." I believe it's more likely that he has reached a higher hollywood echelon and she no longer fitted the part nor did she feel like competing...and she simply doesn't.  From where I sit,Zac has a higher profile than Vanessa,he is more red carpet A list and his star his shooting through the heavens at warp speed. She doesn't quite have the same notoriety and hasn't really moved on from the ultimate hippy chick. To be frank,I can't quite name anything she has been in since her "High School Musical" days.  Come on,name one thing... The statement goes on to say that "they have been together a long time and that they simply drifted apart" which makes absolute sense and no one can refute this simple but honest statement. 
Zac will move on to Angelina...just kidding (she'll eat him alive or quite possibly adopt him) but definitely someone with equal A lister footing like the gorgeous Blake Lively or fabulous Leighton Meester and the fickle world will applaud that happy union.
Now...does anybody care who Kim Kardashian is now dating? Nah! I agree....I just enjoy watching her buttocks jostle for freedom within their too tight confinement and the only time I will care to hear anything about Justin Bieber is when he has shaved all his bloody hair off and joined the Hare Krishna's ...if truth be told.....not even then.

Wednesday, 8 December 2010

Joan Collins: From Ermine to Pantomime

The glamorous Joan Collins has put her Dynasty days well behind her now and will be appearing in "Dick Whittington"in Birmingham over this Christmas period.She will be playing the role of  Queen Rat alongside Nigel Havers and Julian Clary. I guess it promises to be a right all romp...then again how would I know? I have never been to a panto in my life and have no intentions of breaking that long run.
She was being interviewed on a TV show called "Loose Women" on ITV and basically said that she  finally gave in when she realised she had no commitments and when her grandchildren told her to do it. 
Wow! Or maybe she was simply bored out of her whit-ttington...! See what I did there?
Then again Pamela Anderson did panto last year...what does that tell you? Not much really since Pamela Anderson's only notoriety are her boobs, Tommy Lee and those scenes on Baywatch when she is running along the beach in slow motion.Her repertoire doesn't hold a candle to La Joan...then again Mizz Collins did star in "The Stud"... many will still remember the scene on the swing?...
I had the privilege of meeting Miss Collins many years ago in Juan Les Pins while I was working  a summer job at Blanc Bleu. She walked in one morning wearing a large sun hat,a white dress, a Cartier Panthere watch and an imperious expression.She was accompanied by a tall,slim,blond man with good hair. She had just had her nails done and asked if we could show her the items that interested her.Not that Blanc Bleu was exactly Cavalli nor did she buy anything,I think she needed to duck away from prying eyes. Her boyfriend was very charming and very vocal especially when he established that not only could I speak English but that I hailed from jolly Britain. He was interested in the bathing shorts we were selling but I had to quietly whisper that they had a particular design flaw:
"I'm afraid they are a little long in the crotch."
He burst out laughing while Miss Collins seemed to fume over our shared moment of mirth as we crouched beside the bathing suit display.
"My dear! One doesn't say crotch but... crutch!"
Now that left me bamboozled and him in hysterics but I shall never forget that day and how much we laughed over those swimming trunks. As we pan back to Miss Collins...she was still not amused and rather bored now as she gave that imperious look and summoned her boyfriend to her side as they exited.
She was neither friendly,nor unfriendly she simply wafted in and wafted out still holding her hands up to dry and her head up above us lesser mortals.
Maybe her sense of humour has develop through the years and kids screaming "He's behind you" will have her in stitches and land her a Bafta....who knows.

Friday, 3 December 2010

"Santa Baby": Revised for personal use only!

Season's Greetings! 'Tis the season to be jolly and the time to make your Xmas list.
Here's mine in a revised rendition of the old time favourite "Santa Baby":

Santa Baby,slip a Birkin under the tree,for me             
I can't afford it alone
So Santa Baby,hurry down to Bond street tonight.

Santa Baby,I want myself a new pair of Choo's
Or Mou's...
Why not Manolos or Lou's?
So shimmy down my chimney tonight.

Santa sweetie, it would be heaven for a white Audi Q7,
My car has seen better days,
So Santa Baby, get down to the dealership now!

I have been so very good
Only spending what I should
But it would be so darn nice
To sip on Bollinger on ice.

Santa Baby, a Burberry avi-ator coat
Why not?
A cheaper version won't do
Santa Baby,don't drag your feet down the high street tonight.

Santa honey,fill my stocking with a Milgauss Rolex
I'll get the box of Kleenex
Don't fret!
Just hurry down the chimney tonight.

Come and leave beneath my tree
Handbags and shoes from Ol'Fendi
I really want a Peekaboo
Or something from Bottega will do
Boo doo bee doo

Santa Baby,this last little thing before I go
Some snow!
London has had its fair share...Beware!
So hurry down my chimney tonight...
And don't you dare tell me it's too tight...
I'll bloody wait for you all night....
I'll even prepare a wee little bite...
So hurry down my chimney tooo-nighttttttt.           
Boo doo bee doo